Introduction to this blog
So actually, I wanted to write this blog about the choices that Bob and I are currently making in our lives regarding our lifestyle. What we find important in health, how we eat and drink, and what our wishes are for the future to add even more quality to our lives.
While writing I found myself stuck. I thought I came across as pedantic and my text didn’t feel authentic. It felt like an attempt to convince you that we are already living the perfect lives. This is not the goal of these blogs.
In short, there’s a lot of self-criticism in my head, born out of a feeling that didn’t flow with the letters I typed. This should not be about our lifestyle, I felt. There is something else that wants to come out of me. Something which my heart really wants to write about right now and which contributes more to my health than organic products. It has become a fragile piece. Open and honest. A look into my deepest inner world. I would love to take you along and I am curious what it will bring for you.
I can see that our son needs clear boundaries and I still feel insecure in offering them. My “NO” is a NO from the head, but my heart is not quite with that yet. And I can see he wants to feel boundaries where I leave him space. And it touches me deeply. It feels like I’m failing him in his development. Also, I feel a bit jealous of Bob sometimes. He is a very grounded parent. He feels confident in most things he does with Ben. Bob is really the only person I know who is so competent in the now.
I see how Ben loves to be in his energy (as am I) and how he calms down when Bob sings softly for him. It is so beautiful to watch and at the same time, I feel fear coming up like: Can I ever provide this safe space for him? Ben forces me to dive deep into myself. To do the work it takes to be grounded and firm. To keep me safe. To keep him safe. So that I can fully discover my own potential. So that he can fully discover his own potential. I feel a high urgency to find my sacred NO. A search I truly embrace and also challenges me daily.
Tough choices of a parent
I sometimes do not know how I relate to this world as a human being and a mother: Doubting how to guide my son in this chaos in a loving, honest, and warm way. Even though I have a deep trust that everything right now is happening for a good reason and that we are exactly where we need to be (daily affirmation for me), I feel trapped sometimes in between my own values and beliefs and everything that happens around us.
For example; I feel uncertain of how I can guide my son in a world that has rules I don’t agree with. I sometimes feel fear about the consequences of not being vaccinated. That I will be excluded from a world in which I also want to make a difference. I am not afraid of missing out in daily life because one thing that I learned most last 1,5 years is that I just want to dive more en more into myself and my beautiful family. I don’t need much else than being at home and in nature with my loved ones. But I do catch myself being afraid of the judgment of others sometimes. Afraid that they don’t want to listen anymore to what I would love to share or that they won’t take me seriously anymore.
Also, I feel I carry a big responsibility when I look at our pure, beautiful, little Ben. What consequences do our choices have on those of our son? How will he look back on this time and the choices we made as parents, also for him? Those questions are with me all day.
I would like to resign from my job at this point and be a full-time parent with Bob. To be able to fully witness the rapid and complex development our son is now going through. To be able to meet him in all his authenticity and to face the confrontations that follow. To choose and use the moments (where I normally work) for me to rest, digest, reflect and let new inspiration come to me.
I would prefer to escape this current system with Bob and Ben and live with our little family in a wooden house, together with our tribe in a magical, beautiful forest, off the grid. I know we’re also here to be part of this system, but I feel a deep desire to break loose. Maybe to return back to the system someday, more grounded and with a clear goal.
My current journey
I feel that I am saying goodbye to a piece of identity that I have carried with me for 32 years (or energetically probably even longer). I want nothing more than to unwrap myself from this story. But it also hurts me and makes me sad, because I have really come to love this identity and all the people that came with that. It has taught and given me so many beautiful things. So with each step becoming more myself, I also say goodbye with gratitude and grief, to parts that no longer serve me.
Currently, I am on a wonderful transformational journey guided by Renee F. Gloudemans. She is a beautiful, wise, strong woman who guides several groups of people on a healing journey through our chakra system. By doing this we are getting to know our inner self better. We discover where we- and our patterns might come from, what our ancestors have to say to us, and what we can observe beyond the three-dimensional world.
We work on different energetic layers and since I started this journey I already feel a lot of change in my being and life. For me, it feels like very important and necessary work to do and I am already experiencing deep healing. It is a big challenge and it requires commitment, dedication, and lots of practice in everyday life. I dive into this without fear and full of enthusiasm. And that alone is teaching me so much. It shows me more than ever (and more than so many people already told me) how I always want to go so fast. I am already looking forward to the end of this journey, knowing I will be a more aligned person and a purer version of myself. Humbleness hits me every time I want to jump. This journey itself puts me modestly back in my place. “I am exactly where I need to be right now.”
If I am really honest: I like to tell you how I would love to see the world, but living by example is more challenging than I expected. Although I feel for me this is the only way. This is the path Bob and I are meant to walk: creating the life we wish to be living, and who knows? Maybe we inspire people around us.
Our toilet is slowly getting filled with beautiful pictures of nature and pure inspirations. In this way, I want to keep visualizing and envisioning our future, knowing that it will become reality.
I would love to take you further on this journey in future blogs. And I invite you to share your own inner battles, challenges, and desires with me if you feel the call, you can also do that anonymously.
Above all, know that even though our society teaches us otherwise, nothing is crazy or stupid. Every feeling is allowed to be there and I’m sure you are not the only one experiencing this. We are more connected than it seems and have more in common than we’re being told. I am genuinely curious about your deepest inner world.